Hmmmmm *sigh* haw. The minute I feel I’ve actually got my life into a semi-ordered managable state, it gets upturned just like that.
It is sooo damn difficult for me to live life day by day, I’m always day dreaming, and wishing and hoping that my life is something its not. I have such grandeous dreams that I almost laugh at myself sometimes, becasuse I actually believe that Iwill get there. I really believe it. Somewhere in my head believes that I was meant to be rich and famous, and adored, and have a killer career, and all around just be an artist, a famous respected artist. Thats what I want, in my perfect world this is what I want. I want to direct films. And star in films. I want to dabble in music, and perhaps acompany a band on tour. I want to party and sleep with the rich and famous. I want to be notorious for partying hard and doing drugs and fucking up, and looking gorgeously heroin/boho chic whilst doing it. I want to be an artists muse. I want to design clothes, and drive fancy stylish old cars.I want to have a villa in the south of France and apartments in London, Paris and NewYork. I want to be on the cover of Rollingstone, with the caption “The coolest motherfucker since Bob Dylan.” I want to paint, and take photographs, and cook meals at 4 in the morning with a lover who is as self centered as I am. I want to model but I want for them to come to me begging me to. I want to win an Oscar for best director. I have good taste. But I want the money to back up the taste. Plus you know I want the perfect house, a journal to keep track of all that, books and movies about me in my later life, and every other impossible fancy that pops into my mind. Thats what I want. All of it. Everything. Now.
I wish so desperately that I was born poor or less well off or more rich. The poor are lucky, they just want to be not poor. The rich are lucky because they can do anything. The less well off take attainable and achievable goals, that make them upper middle class, and then make spawn like me.
Too well praised in their youth, given unatainable dreams, and told they can do whatever they want in their lives, only to be forced into the reality that not everyone can do that! Not everyone can be rich and famous. It’s hard to do! That you can’t make a living doing what you love unless it happens to be a doctor, or a lawyer or any other respectable profession. They push children into the arts, because its “good” it “helps develop they’re minds” but then they tear that dream away but telling musicians they can’t make a living except as a teacher where the cycle just begins again. Or actors or painters that they’re not good enough, or you have to live in a certain city, and leave your life behind, an sacrifice your integrity.
My life goal was torn apart when I left York, and I don’t know where I am. I’m selfish and I want all those things. Even if I just pick one off of that list, it seems imposible. I want to direct films, I do. But that in itself is a monsterous goal, even if you ignore everything else, it seems impossible. It seems too big, and honestly too scary. Its hard for me to remember that I’m young. I see young famous people and I am ridiculously, almost unbearably jealous, for the opportunities they have.
O and all this can only happen, if I don’t get shot or killed, or hit by a bus, or in a car accident or meet a bizarre freak death involving a shoelace, a bathroom and a can of hairspray.
(I give you permission to laugh at that last sentence).
This is what I mean! Sometimes I wish I just had the simple worries of food, shelter, sex, friends, and fun. Instead or trying to contemplate the meanings of death, life, art, purpose and society.
Ughh long ramblings. I know this was a dun-dun-dun LiveJournal-esque entry but fuck off lol! I’m goofy and I know it, and once in a while (kay more then once in a while, you got me:P)I’m allowed to rant and feel lost.
So in the words of OK Go:
Get Get Get Get Over it!!
Ps. don’t be afraid to comment on the ridiculousness of this post even though it seems oh so melodramatic. I want people to laugh and enjoy it. At least some of it:P
Hahaha, some of the things you wrote are so true. I too have that strange “I’m meant to be famous” feeling a lot, and it’s such a disappointing feeling to have sometimes
I won’t lie, I used to imagine going to my cottage and having a really famous person’s car break down and they would be forced to share my cottage; the famous person, usually Hillary Duff when I imagined this lmfao, would eventually leave but not before giving me their card and telling me about an agent etc. lmfao
It’s not ridiculous to want something like that so badly; it’s everywhere you look and the wantiness becomes more compounded every day.
I also have this crazy idea that South is the next Beverly Hills High, where like half the kids go on to crazy successful careers as producers and actors and screenwriters etc. Probably not, but you never know
Comment by PityPie — March 27, 2009 @ 5:54 am
I like Lucas’ South vision. We can do it.
I know what it’s like to look at something and feel overwhelmed. I was just talking about this last night. Only around 1 in 14 medical science students get into medical school. Competition is rough. Science kids have no friends because they are snobby toward everyone else and competing with each other.
I know all this, and it’s overwhelming – you see people fail at achieving your dream everyday. I get that completely.
I just really want this. I need to get into med school. I need to have an outrageously successful career and get rich. Competition is a bitch though. I may end up in research, but I’m hoping that will go well if it happens.
Someday, when you are famous and Lucas is an extremely successful lawyer and I am an obstetrical surgeon (unless of course I change my mind about exactly what part of medicine I was to specialize in) we can all sit down and have outrageously expensive dinner. We can discuss this blog and it will be in the past.
It’s fun to think like that, and scary to believe it may never happen. I don’t know. It’s all about looking at the people who succeeded doing what you want to do and saying: “They aren’t better than me.” It’s probably also about small steps to get there.
Here’s to getting rich someday. Cheers.
Comment by Steph L. — April 4, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
In response to your actual blog entry, I just loved reading it.
In response to Steph’s comment, I hope that you guys will find me in my cardboard box later in life and take me to that dinner.
Comment by Christina — May 10, 2009 @ 2:18 am